Words are very. Unnecessary

I talk too much.

Anyone who knows me would quietly agree and nod glumly at this statement.

The most common advice I have received throughout my life, apart from ‘If you try to put it in there I will slap you’ or ‘Maybe honey you shouldn’t have another pint’, is ‘You should try to listen more’.

I am also not so self unaware as to not see it. I recognise it but have come to the conclusion that I cant change it. Its just part of who I am. And in the grand scheme of things with all my good points and bad points totted up I am ok with this. It could be worse, I could be silent. You could have to drag conversation out of me, which on balance is much much worse, I think.

Have you ever seen a Ryan Gosling movie? 

I accept he looks fantastic but the mean silent, no fucking words, act is starting to wear a bit thin. At least for me it is anyway.  

Start speaking and stop looking so good, it will do your career the world of good Ryan. Look at Matthew McConaughey. 

He started looking like shit and won an Oscar.

Anyhow, the silent mean moody type I’m not. I also have an opinion on pretty much everything.

I will talk and talk and talk till your ears bleed about anything and everything.

Sometimes, embarrassingly, the pitch of my voice rises up above what is considered manly in octave terms if I get excited. I do try to minimise the occurrence of this though.

Even if I really haven’t got a clue about the subject matter I will talk about it.

Ekpyrotic Universe? No problem. Dark Matter? Easy. Rules of Cricket? Yup. Black/White holes? Come on, give me something hard!

World peace? Done. And so on.

Start a conversation about what the fuck goes on in a woman’s mind however and I will turn all Ryan Gosling immediately. There are some things in life which one should just accept are beyond them. And this is well beyond me. 

I stopped trying many years ago and now just agree and say sorry regardless of the subject. I value sex and food too much to do otherwise.

I got called an anti–Semite the other day.

It was part of a back and forth on the current and ongoing issues in the middle east, specifically Gaza. Its not the issue I want to talk about here, more the political correctness which surrounds such delicate subjects and my apparent falling foul of the rules governing such things.

So I started digging into the subject, I wanted to see if I had, inadvertently, said something which could be considered anti-Semitic.

The answer I came up with was, disappointingly, it just depends.

What I did find out by reading through a lot of postings and press from Israel and elsewhere is that there are some members of the Jewish community who consider any criticism of Israel, at all, as anti-Semitic. If you don’t agree with the Israeli government on any topic and voice your opinion, you are defacto an anti-Semite.

Now, clearly this hardline and simplistic view cannot be one shared by the whole Jewish community around the globe, however the article was published in the Jerusalem Times, a widely read and respected newspaper in the region so it has to be taken seriously.

Of course, going back to my earlier comments, I have an opinion on this, and to risk my self proclaimed anti-anti-Semite status, I disagree.

Put in very simple terms from another viewpoint altogether, if this is true then this would mean the whole electorate of Israel are disenfranchised. If they too were to avoid being tagged as anti Semitic.

The discussion in question was about the situation in Gaza and judging from opinion polls taken in Israel its a moot point. There appears to be a +90% approval from inside Israel.

But what if there is another topic or if the government had decided on a different approach? Lets just say they decided to not launch an all out offensive against a civilian population. Lets say they decided to use other means to crack the nut other than the sledgehammer. What then?

If the approval for the current approach is so high then I would guess that any other approach would get less approval. And if this was the case would Israelis start voicing their concerns and thus immediately become anti Semites?

You know this discussion is too easy. Its such a ridiculous situation as to almost not warrant the discussion at all.

I and anyone else who is critical of Israel is not an anti-Semite full stop. If I was to start criticizing Jewish people that’s an altogether different matter but I’m not. So there.

Iraq is also another topic I have talked a lot about recently and this one is not so black and white. The current situation in Iraq ultimately poses the worst of all decisions for the rest of the world.

Do we intervene (again), solve nothing and just delay the inevitable. Or do we stand back and let them sort themselves out, knowing full well we could be watching a murderous situation unfold?

Its when shit like this starts happening in the world I am very glad I am not a president or prime minister. Because these are impossible questions to answer.

For example what will bring long lasting peace to the middle east?

I don’t know the answer to this but do know if history is anything to go by it will not be achieved without an awful lot of bloodshed. 

The west has been trying to solve the problems in Iraq and Afghanistan for years, spending trillions of dollars and losing young men at an alarming rate. To what end? 

What exactly have we achieved in Iraq for example, other than removing a monster who kept the lid on everything with Stalin-esq techniques.

There will never be a war in Europe again. 

I think I can say this with some confidence. The EU, including the UK, is so interwoven I cannot think of a situation where tanks would be lining up against each other in a muddy field. Russia is a different story but even there I just cant see it happening. 

We need to remember though that the price which was paid, not that long ago, for this peace was over 60 million lives. Which is a very very heavy price in anyone’s books.

Would we be willing to go through such horrific pain again knowing that in the end we would have peace? 

I’m not so sure and I am starting to think this is the situation in the middle east.

Do we think we can intervene and figure out the issue for them? Our track record on such things would say otherwise.

The problem is, we cannot sit back and just let it happen.

Today, right now, at this moment, there are over 20,000 people sitting on a hilltop surrounded by the Islamic state militants awaiting their fate.

Should we just pull all aid and support from the region, let what happens happen and then in ten years or so just start discussions/negotiations with whatever government or situation has unfolded afterwards?

Borders (which we in the west drew up a long time ago btw) will be redrawn. The Kurds will have their own country most likely and everyone else will settle into a new region created along ethnic and religious boundaries or wherever the fighting reaches a natural stalemate.

I for one hate the thought of this occurring but I also don’t know what the answer is. We cannot continue indefinitely trying to force democracy down the throats of peoples who might actually not want it in the first place and we cannot continue intervening and achieving nothing in what is essentially other peoples affairs.

The approach of burying your head in the sand is not one I subscribe to either though.

The neutral standpoint of the country I live in is not one I agree with, at all.

I believe we should defend human rights and try to step in and stop atrocities whenever we see them happening but after the last 15 years I am seriously starting to question this approach. At least for certain parts of the world.

It’s a conundrum which perhaps I don’t have the brain power to figure out. Maybe there is a route of least resistance through all of this which I am just not aware of. I just cant see it.

Maybe I have found something which I am incapable of unraveling.

Maybe this is a subject which will teach me that its not possible to have an opinion on everything.

Maybe I should just stop talking and stop pissing off people by making anti-Semitic statements.

Maybe I should just bury my head in the sand for a while, let the world get on with it, stop reading the news and just chill out.

And maybe, maybe I should just try to listen a bit more.

At the very least I might get fed and you never know I might even get some sex….

A Golden Dawn?

Q: If Celtic amassed 99 points and only lost 1 game in the whole season how many draws did they have?

This was a mental arithmetic question me and my 13 year old son raced to solve. No calculator, no Google allowed.

He beat me and by a very healthy margin at that. As he gleefully danced around I sulked and rapidly changed the subject.

So numbers, they are important things, if they didn’t exist I wouldn’t have a job and most of the things we take for granted probably wouldn’t exist, including the internet I would imagine.

The European elections threw up some strange and some would say worrying results in the last week or so. A number of euro sceptic and populous groups ranging from Greece’s Golden Dawn to the French National front and of course our very own UKIP all took more seats than anticipated.

And of course the press are all over it.

But is it really as troubling as the papers make out? Looking at the numbers I would suggest not. Of the 751 seats up for grabs, the conventional pro-European parties won 467. Another 100 were taken by the greens (who are ultra pro Europe) and the UK’s Conservative party who really don’t know if they are or they aren’t.

This left 140 seats to be divvied up amongst the real anti-Europe parties – or less than 20%.

Given that UKIP consider the French National front racist and will not work with them and both parties consider the Golden Dawn crew as fascists its very unlikely we will be seeing some form of coalition of anti-European parties anytime soon.

So no, the elections won’t make a blind bit of difference, at least not from a legislation perspective and I doubt the EU will be crumbling any time soon.

Personally though, I don’t think the shockwaves, real or otherwise, coming from these elections are a such a bad thing.

It’s given Nigel Farage more airtime on the telly which can only be good and I also think the debate it has started is a healthy one.

Immigration: good or bad?

Well firstly I live in Switzerland, a country whose immigration policies seem to have been modelled on that of North Korea. So I am just not as exposed to the hordes of funny foreigners invading my neighbourhood as some other European countries might be.

That said I do think immigration is a good thing.

The economic outlook for Britain is healthy. I read somewhere that by 2022 the UK will overtake Germany as the economic power house of Europe. With an aging population, a huge public sector and a crumbling NHS how will it reach these dizzy heights?

Immigration that’s how.

The overwhelming majority of immigrants to any country go there for economic reasons, ie. they want to work. And when you work you pay tax and the companies who employ these workers also pay tax (unless you are Starbucks of course). It’s a very simple equation, if the jobs are created in the UK, the UK needs immigration otherwise the jobs will emigrate along with the tax…

So in my book immigration is good.

The headlines might scream about an army of thieving gypsies invading London but at a macro level this is just false. Britain has far from the most immigrants (6.6% of total population). Germany for example has nearly 9%. We are more than some and less than others.

In short we are nothing special and certainly not unique. Nor are we the most attractive country to run to and live off the benefits. No, the immigration into the UK is normal and I would argue not unwelcome. But then again, I don’t live there.

Until recently UKIPs membership has had an odd demographic. It was heavily weighted towards the baby boomers which generally means they are older. This is the demographic in society who reminisce about a Britain long since gone. A simpler Britain. When foreigners were just people who served you drinks on holiday, spoke funny and couldn’t make a proper cup of tea. An old fashioned Britain of train journeys to the seaside and near to full employment.

But lets not forget this was also a Britain where Saville & Co could do what they liked with impunity and a business sector which was forced to its knees by power crazed unions.

But I can see the appeal of Mr Farage.

When compared to the other party leaders he’s a breath of fresh air. He speaks his mind, likes beer and  isn't afraid of offending someone - hes an everyman. As much as I support conservative ideals, I see nothing of myself in David Cameron, he’s just a toff and a bit of a tit. Ed Milliband is the same but with the added hilarity of a Lego-man haircut.

I also don’t believe UKIP are racist as some would like to think. They are clearly not. In fact they have gone to extraordinary lengths to distance themselves from perceived racist comments and statements.

UKIP aren’t racist but what concerns me is their anti-Europe, anti-immigration stance will create and foster xenophobia. Building walls, restricting movement of ethnic groups of people and creating an inward looking insular society breeds such things.

Switzerland is not a xenophobic country per se but a large proportion of the population could be deemed to be so by any normal measurement. The success of the SVP party is testament to this.

The mainstream parties should thus take heed.

Even if the number of seats won’t change anything fundamental there is clearly a groundswell of support across Europe for such parties. They need to sit up and listen because if they don’t we might find someone like Nigel Farage in charge of our country.

Or even worse Marine Le Pen just across the channel.

And then we’re really in the shit.

***

A: 6 

Because I'm worth it

So I read an article the other day about sea otters.

Apparently the cute cuddly furry animals are anything but. Yes, they might look cute and float around holding hands and other fluffy animal type stuff but the reality is they are nasty wee bastards.

I don’t quite know how to say this but, well, they rape baby seals.

Yup, yes they do. As shocking as this might sound, it’s true.

They rape them to death.

And….they do it just for fun.

So to be clear, there is nothing cute or cuddly about sea otters.

Penguins, dolphins, monkeys. Apparently they are all at it.

In fact the only animal not engaging in some nasty sexual or murderous crime is the giant panda. And that’s only because they don’t like sex and are too fat and lazy. If they weren’t they would probably be at it as well.

All animals do it and what’s worse is they don’t even realise it is wrong. They just do it because they want to do it, probably because they have nothing better to do. Once the dam is built and Mrs Otter and the kids are happily fed what else is there to do?

They do look cute though so that’s ok.

If I were to rape a baby seal to death I don’t think cuteness or anything else for that matter would be a robust enough defence to avoid some form of punishment so why is it ok for otters?

It’s a double standard.

A court for animals is what we need.

Murder for food = ok.

Anything else = definitely not ok.

This would be a start.

Yes, let’s start holding animals up to the same standards we try to live up to as humans. I might then start feeling sorry for the polar bears and their shrinking habitat or the good natured law abiding otters caged in the Zoo being kept safely well away from the seal enclosure.

Do animals grow hair differently as they age?

To me the facial hair of an otter or dog or iguana looks the same from birth to death. It grows yes, but a puppy’s facial hair is exactly the same as a fully grown up version. There’s just more of it.

Why am I different then?

My hair growth is accelerating. I shouldn’t complain about this, a lot of men my age have the exact opposite problem but it does seem to be sprouting much faster as I get older and from all sorts of new and unwelcome places.

Over the years I have tried, whenever possible to get my hair cut in various different countries around the world. I did it once out of necessity in China and now try to do it as often as I can. One month is the standard interval for me between haircuts.

So whenever I happen to be outside of Switzerland at the allotted time of the month I will seek out that country’s version of a stripy pole and engage in some cultural learning. I have had my hair cut in China, Australia, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, US, UK, Oman, Turkey to name but a few.

The best was China, the worst Italy. UK is pretty bog standard, Switzerland horribly overpriced for what is essentially five minutes work. In Turkey they burned my ears. Oman had me very scared as a twitchy and energetic young man wielded a cut throat razor very near my neck and Australia was done by a Scotsman.

All in it’s a good way to engage with the local culture and given my hair cut of choice is ‘just short’ it’s pretty hard for them to get it wrong. I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to body hair. Short on top, leave the rest alone.

But I sense I am starting to fall out of step with fashion in this regard.

The last time I visited a communal shower room it didn’t escape me that I was one of the few men in there maintaining the au naturale look. I didn’t want to stare but couldn’t help myself.

After a couple of minutes of soaping I found myself turning away to hide my ‘abnormal’ undergrowth and started wondering when male grooming like this became normal.

I get that Olympic swimmers, cyclists or Luge’rs shave everything. There is probably a good aerodynamic reason for that. It’s the shift towards the aesthetic ‘down there’ in normal men which confuses me.

In my, clearly now outdated, book of what makes a real man, hairy and rugged is good. Women are different, they are allowed to preen and prune themselves till they are all shiny and polished. They are allowed to put on makeup and act feminine. Men, no way. Unless, that is, you are auditioning for a part in the Crying Game then all bets are off.

I am led to believe one of the options, now available to men, is known in the industry as a ‘back, sack and crack’. I don’t think I need to explain what this entails.

Just imagining it makes my eyes start to water.

I am ok with razor burn products or deodorants which would make you smell like a male pine forest. Hair gel and even the odd hair growth elixir.

Complex moisturisers derived from cow serum, cover up creams, Botox and hair colourings go beyond what I consider acceptable or normal for men. Funnily enough these creams seem to be promising to delay (because it’s always delay, never get rid) the exact same lines and creases I coveted so much as a wee boy as I watched Robert Mitchum or Lee Marvin on the telly. Now it seems these lines are no longer attractive.

Now we should all look 25 years old. Lines and creases on your face have become as desirable as haemorrhoids. Grey hair? Forget it.

In fact the more a man can look like a woman and a young woman at that the more attractive he will be for it.

I think this is wrong.

Ladies, you are welcome to plaster whatever cream, oil or makeup onto your face. I am ok with you ripping, shaving or waxing whatever undesirable hair you like from wherever you like on your body. In fact I would positively encourage it but given I am not a lady I will stick to my short on top, leave the rest alone approach to grooming.

This might make me old fashioned. It might even place far out of touch with a metrosexual society which seems to be taking over.

I am ok with this though. I am also ok that I stopped looking 25 the day I turned 26.

One day I might even have a face like Lee Marvin’s. I can but hope.

But back to otters.

My recommendation would be to slowly wax the face of each bastard rapist/murderering otter as punishment for their evil crimes.

That’s going to hurt like hell and let’s face it if a baby seal sees a baldy-faced otter approaching, they will quickly learn to not hang around.

I wouldn’t. 

Regardless how young it looked.