Thursday, October 29, 2009

Watching Paris

Top Gear, X-Factor, Match of the Day, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica (the new one), The Wire, Have I got News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Question Time.

I don't consider that I watch a great deal of television, but this is an instant, immediate, straight off the top of my head, snapshot-list of TV programs I do watch regularly.

All in all I would feel reasonably ok to share this list with people.
Depending on the recipient I might feel a need to substitute the X-Factor for a worthwhile documentary series on Hungarian politics in the 1800s and perhaps add a few natural history programs to the list but generally I feel relaxed about this list.

Why would I feel otherwise? Why would I concern myself with what this list says about me?

Consider then for a second, for example, if I had said:
Eastenders, Coronation Street, Pets/Humans/Vegetables/(insert anything) do the Funniest Things, Rogue Builders/Plumbers/(insert any profession), X-Factor, Britain’s got Talent, Stop! Camera! Action!, What Katie did next, Paris Hilton BFF.

Would your perception of me change for the better, the worse, or not change at all?

Of course it would change.

I will admit that whilst typing the list I felt slightly uncomfortable and there was a definite hesitation in owning up to Battlestar. I felt a real need to caveat it with the brackets to confirm that I am not some fanatic for cheap, crappy, 70s Sci-Fi TV. Just for the record, nor do I collect comics, antique toys or speak Klingon.
The word vulva still makes me laugh though.

What we watch on TV is like the clothing we wear, the music we listen to, the cars we drive even the food & drink we consume.

I see young men standing in bars drinking bottles of Budweiser or Miller and cannot, cannot, believe for an instant they are enjoying their crisp refreshing beer. They do look like Tom Cruise though and this more than compensates for a beer totally devoid of any taste.

Perception is everything.
When I buy a Ralph Lauren polo shirt, I am not buying a polo shirt, I am buying into the lifestyle of a cool, rich, professional man. Is there any value in me having the Polo Shirt and wearing it around the house? No of course not.

I put these items aside, only to be worn when others can see me wearing them, dossing around the house I will wear anything, or nothing, does it really matter?

I drive an Audi, same as a VW but more expensive. Why? Because in an Audi A6 I am the serious finance professional, in a VW I am simply someone who cannot afford an Audi.

It’s simply good marketing and image creation. We all, myself included, are happy to pay a premium for it.

We all aspire to be that man sipping espresso on his city apartment balcony. Its Sunday morning, “lovely day” is playing on the radio, a tousled haired beauty brushes past him, kisses him on the cheek and, with a wink, reminds him of his prowess the night before. The newspaper, the coffee, the radio station, whatever the product being plugged, is enough to keep him for rejoining her in the bedroom. We all want that product, not because it’s better than sex with a tousled haired beauty but because it will give us his life. Or at least the coffee, newspaper, radio piece of it.

The critical difference here is that TV is not a social activity.

I have never seen the television being the center of a social gathering.
I exclude sport here because:
  1. It doesn’t fit in with my train of thought
  2. I enjoy watching sport in the company of others
  3. It’s my posting.

Generally speaking though it’s a solitary activity. With or without company the activity is the same. If I watch Emmerdale Farm or Question Time the world’s perception of me will not change because the world doesn't know and I am certainly not going to tell them.

I can safely tune in to Paris Hilton air-heading her way around brain dead world and still be a serious finance professional in the morning. The main difference between what I watch on TV and the clothes I wear outside the house is people can see my polo shirt. If everyone could see me watching Paris, I wouldn't watch her and that's probably why she is not on my list.

Marketing television must be a breeze, a bit like marketing masturbation.

Just do it - no one needs to know.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hmmm

Switzerland is a country of contradictions.

On one hand it is a country where the people are peaceful and law abiding. They eat organic muesli and bio-bread. They recycle everything, rollerblade, cycle, nordic walk or take the train to the office. They shop at the local store, get involved in the village fair, respect their elders, pay their taxes and work hard.

and on the other hand they have these billboards around town:



Monday, October 12, 2009

Damp leaves

My yard is constantly under a thick blanket of wet leaves.

Sweeping them up is simply a waste of time, like trying to blow away mist, pointless. I will wait until the trees are totally bare before I start the task. Autumn is in full swing, the nights are drawing in, soon the clocks will go back, the mercury has dropped below 10c and in the UK Parliament has resumed.


Yesterday all sitting MPs received a letter.
In a strange fantasy I see them grouped together in some cloistered hall opening each envelope, giddy as students on exam result day. Some would whoop excitedly as they receive the ok from Sir Thomas Legg, some less fortunate would be walking around dejectedly, smiling bravely as they figure out what they will say to the waiting press pack salivating outside.

The reality, I am sure, is somewhat different but what has really surprised me is their reaction. I could understand such a defiant response had this been the first time the words: parliament, expenses, excess, shameful and duck houses had been used. This comes, as we all know, after a summer of excruciating details and public humiliation for pretty much every MP. If the public were to vote just now on the basis of trust Ann Widdecombe would become our first President.
I think we can all agree, regardless of party loyalty this is a truly frightening proposition.

Yes: You probably did claim for expenses within the rules and did nothing legally wrong.
Yes: Sir Thomas Legg probably did go beyond the remit of his summer job.
Yes: The rules have been changed retrospectively.
Yes: Legally this probably has no weight.
Yes: It is unfair.

Yes: You should just shut the fuck up and pay them.

Trust has been destroyed and petty squabbling over a few thousand pound will do nothing to restore it. Don't worry, give it a year or two, let the noise die down and normal “good old days” business can resume – remember you can vote for it yourself. Just give us something to believe in please, at this moment there is precious little - daily some brave young man is being blown to bits in Afganistan, the country debt is well beyond record levels and you are arguing about your leaf sweeping bills.

This is one of the few times in recent history that I have found myself being more embarrassed about how my home nation is perceived than my wife and she hails from the great Satan itself – America!

Take a leaf out of my book and pick them up yourself, its much quieter.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Indian Summer

Apparently we are enjoying an Indian Summer.
This is another of those strange expressions in English which must make it a fucking bastard to master for anyone not having used it since birth. I can only think of one Swiss-German equivalent - Warm Duscher (warm washer) - meaning a wimp, literally it means you prefer a warm shower to a cold one. This would be acceptable coming from a well known testosterone-fuelled country such as Korea or Russia but coming from the Swiss it is pretty hard to swallow. I don’t know anyone who prefers cold showers to warm, no one at all. In fact I would go as far to say, that if asked, the 300 Spartans from Thermopylae, after defending Greece from a million or so Persians, would like to luxuriate under a warm shower and thus be considered wimps, that is according to the Swiss.

I am not sure which Indians the phrase refers to, Wikipedia is less than helpful and therefore I would have to conclude it is the Indian Indians (as opposed to, for example, the red ones from North America). Google weather tells me it is currently 32c in Mumbai with humidity over 80% so Indian summer has to be rejected along with warm duschers as pure and simple bollocks. It’s nice but not that nice.

Cameron Leo Shanks was born 6 days ago, a gorgeous bundle of noise and food demands. He is currently sleeping in his pram next to me (yes in the living room) as I drink a beer and prepare for the final feed before bed. His mum is enjoying a well earned 3 hours sleep before the night shift commences. Our house, once the bastion of modernity and style has become soft and fuzzy with rounded edges and smells faintly of milk, and I for one absolutely LOVE it.