Because I'm worth it

So I read an article the other day about sea otters.

Apparently the cute cuddly furry animals are anything but. Yes, they might look cute and float around holding hands and other fluffy animal type stuff but the reality is they are nasty wee bastards.

I don’t quite know how to say this but, well, they rape baby seals.

Yup, yes they do. As shocking as this might sound, it’s true.

They rape them to death.

And….they do it just for fun.

So to be clear, there is nothing cute or cuddly about sea otters.

Penguins, dolphins, monkeys. Apparently they are all at it.

In fact the only animal not engaging in some nasty sexual or murderous crime is the giant panda. And that’s only because they don’t like sex and are too fat and lazy. If they weren’t they would probably be at it as well.

All animals do it and what’s worse is they don’t even realise it is wrong. They just do it because they want to do it, probably because they have nothing better to do. Once the dam is built and Mrs Otter and the kids are happily fed what else is there to do?

They do look cute though so that’s ok.

If I were to rape a baby seal to death I don’t think cuteness or anything else for that matter would be a robust enough defence to avoid some form of punishment so why is it ok for otters?

It’s a double standard.

A court for animals is what we need.

Murder for food = ok.

Anything else = definitely not ok.

This would be a start.

Yes, let’s start holding animals up to the same standards we try to live up to as humans. I might then start feeling sorry for the polar bears and their shrinking habitat or the good natured law abiding otters caged in the Zoo being kept safely well away from the seal enclosure.

Do animals grow hair differently as they age?

To me the facial hair of an otter or dog or iguana looks the same from birth to death. It grows yes, but a puppy’s facial hair is exactly the same as a fully grown up version. There’s just more of it.

Why am I different then?

My hair growth is accelerating. I shouldn’t complain about this, a lot of men my age have the exact opposite problem but it does seem to be sprouting much faster as I get older and from all sorts of new and unwelcome places.

Over the years I have tried, whenever possible to get my hair cut in various different countries around the world. I did it once out of necessity in China and now try to do it as often as I can. One month is the standard interval for me between haircuts.

So whenever I happen to be outside of Switzerland at the allotted time of the month I will seek out that country’s version of a stripy pole and engage in some cultural learning. I have had my hair cut in China, Australia, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, US, UK, Oman, Turkey to name but a few.

The best was China, the worst Italy. UK is pretty bog standard, Switzerland horribly overpriced for what is essentially five minutes work. In Turkey they burned my ears. Oman had me very scared as a twitchy and energetic young man wielded a cut throat razor very near my neck and Australia was done by a Scotsman.

All in it’s a good way to engage with the local culture and given my hair cut of choice is ‘just short’ it’s pretty hard for them to get it wrong. I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to body hair. Short on top, leave the rest alone.

But I sense I am starting to fall out of step with fashion in this regard.

The last time I visited a communal shower room it didn’t escape me that I was one of the few men in there maintaining the au naturale look. I didn’t want to stare but couldn’t help myself.

After a couple of minutes of soaping I found myself turning away to hide my ‘abnormal’ undergrowth and started wondering when male grooming like this became normal.

I get that Olympic swimmers, cyclists or Luge’rs shave everything. There is probably a good aerodynamic reason for that. It’s the shift towards the aesthetic ‘down there’ in normal men which confuses me.

In my, clearly now outdated, book of what makes a real man, hairy and rugged is good. Women are different, they are allowed to preen and prune themselves till they are all shiny and polished. They are allowed to put on makeup and act feminine. Men, no way. Unless, that is, you are auditioning for a part in the Crying Game then all bets are off.

I am led to believe one of the options, now available to men, is known in the industry as a ‘back, sack and crack’. I don’t think I need to explain what this entails.

Just imagining it makes my eyes start to water.

I am ok with razor burn products or deodorants which would make you smell like a male pine forest. Hair gel and even the odd hair growth elixir.

Complex moisturisers derived from cow serum, cover up creams, Botox and hair colourings go beyond what I consider acceptable or normal for men. Funnily enough these creams seem to be promising to delay (because it’s always delay, never get rid) the exact same lines and creases I coveted so much as a wee boy as I watched Robert Mitchum or Lee Marvin on the telly. Now it seems these lines are no longer attractive.

Now we should all look 25 years old. Lines and creases on your face have become as desirable as haemorrhoids. Grey hair? Forget it.

In fact the more a man can look like a woman and a young woman at that the more attractive he will be for it.

I think this is wrong.

Ladies, you are welcome to plaster whatever cream, oil or makeup onto your face. I am ok with you ripping, shaving or waxing whatever undesirable hair you like from wherever you like on your body. In fact I would positively encourage it but given I am not a lady I will stick to my short on top, leave the rest alone approach to grooming.

This might make me old fashioned. It might even place far out of touch with a metrosexual society which seems to be taking over.

I am ok with this though. I am also ok that I stopped looking 25 the day I turned 26.

One day I might even have a face like Lee Marvin’s. I can but hope.

But back to otters.

My recommendation would be to slowly wax the face of each bastard rapist/murderering otter as punishment for their evil crimes.

That’s going to hurt like hell and let’s face it if a baby seal sees a baldy-faced otter approaching, they will quickly learn to not hang around.

I wouldn’t. 

Regardless how young it looked.