Sunday, May 22, 2011

Judgement Day

So apparently the world was due to end, as I sit here typing, yesterday.

Looking around, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the little stream next to my house is babbling and my son is trying to figure out if our pet rabbits like to eat stones. All in all, if this is the end of the world then I’m not sure what all the fuss was about.

I have to add that scheduling it on a weekend was also pretty thoughtful of god.

No, of course the world didn’t end yesterday just because some mental preacher from the arse-end of America decides this will be the case. Apparently he worked out the date of damnation by interpreting the bible, in particular the concept that one day in gods time = 1,000 years in human time. A similar concept to dog years, just a bit longer.

This god-year concept allows Harold Camping, the stupidly named evangelist at the center of these claims, to calculate forward from the flood of Noah - the date of which according to him has been precisely proved at 4,990BC. This date is completely accurate his website states without offering any further proof.

From this point, with these facts (wild assumptions) it’s a case of straightforward addition which would brings us to May 21st 2011 - judgement day. This is the day a great earthquake will shake the earth, then 150 days from this earthquake the world will be destroyed.

Now it’s easy for me with the benefit of hindsight to point out that nothing happened yesterday but that aside there are some other, minor flaws, in what is otherwise a clearly well thought out and robust theory.

1. The concept of god-years, this is taken from a passage quoting god which reads something like ‘for me a day is like a 1,000 years’. I for one don’t read this a definitive proof that god years exist, I say shit like this all the time. That meeting went on forever. The weekend flew by – it only felt like a couple of hours. Could it be that god was just pointing out, given all the work he needs to get done, that it just felt like a 1,000 years.


Perhaps the task of Creation was so fucking dull it just felt like a 1,000 years.

2. Let’s assume for a second that god years do exist then my next issue is - why doesn’t this apply to the 150 days between earthquake and destruction? If he was to tell me that actually the world will end, not this October but 150,000 years from yesterday I would be distinctly less twitchy. Alternatively, perhaps he got his decimals confused and what god actually meant to say was 0.15 days or roughly 1 ½ hours (god time). With such ambiguity existing can you imagine the panic and confusion back when god is proclaiming all this:

A hill somewhere dusty and desert-like. Dark leaden clouds hang heavy above - awaiting a signal from the almighty. There’s discord within the assembled crowd, one brave man, bearded and wearing a dust covered sheet steps forward.

'With the greatest respect god, erm, but that’s not really giving us much time is it?'

God looks down at the man and around at his gathered flock, he smiles at their childlike logic.

'But lo hear me proper my child, for me 1 day is a thousand of your earth-years. 1 ½ hours is 150 days' he smiles warmly

'No I got that piece god, but still, 7 days, 150 days? – it’s not that long, really. Is it 7 days and 150 days of your days or our days? – its sorta, kinda, well, important you know'

He smiles again, this time trying to understand the confusion
'My days' he says quietly and then whispers to a nearby angel hovering at his shoulder 'It is isn’t it?'

The crowd visibly relaxes, after a few seconds a particularly smart small child shouts out proudly '2011?' (or he would’ve shouted this if he knew that that day was actually recorded in reverse around a date nearly 5,000 years in the future when someone called Jesus would be born).

God looks down at the small child and booms loudly 'well done my child'.

There is back smacking and high 5'ing all around, people are starting to move away, relieved and the cloud still sits there, intact.

The child meekly approaches god.

'So if that’s right god, then the actual, real, bonafide, end of the world will be, 2011 plus 150,000 years, right?'.

God looks to the angel, the angel just shrugs.

A little irritated now he responds 'My child, do not worry yourself with such matters, mathematics, science and logic are not part of the deal. Faith in your lord is all that matters, ok?'

The child looks up disappointed 'ok, I guess' and then starts to walk away, kicking the sand, deep in thought. He suddenly turns around, a big smile on his face.

'The year AD152,011?'

'Shut the fuck up would you?' With that god ascends back up, pissed off.

It starts to rain.

If the world is to end then so be it, if it was yesterday or in 150,000 years from now, there is not a lot you or I could do about it so what’s the point of worrying, or for that matter knowing about it.

I would suggest that given I am capable of typing this in the sunshine on a balmy Sunday afternoon Mr Camping will be keeping a very low profile right now.

I am also very sure that anyone who converted, in a last ditch attempt to cover all bases, will be significantly less likely to do so again and this leaves me wondering as to the motivation to speak out in the first place…

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Alexander vs Osama

So they got him - the worlds most wanted man is dead, hurrah!

Some will mourn, a lot will celebrate but most, like me will think good and then move on. Lets face it he was a very bad man and deserved to die but regardless, I feel slightly uncomfortable watching the crowds high 5-ing outside the White House.

A breathless, red faced, Buck Howitzer, truck driver from Minnesota, someone who lives at the bloater end of the portly scale, perfectly captures my unease - "fuck yeh, we got him, God Bless America, Navy Seals, yeh, fucking murdering rag-head and anyone who disagrees with me is a homosexual-liberal-communist, ok?" a thin sliver of saliva runs down his chin(s) as he shouts at the night sky.

Its that same cringing feeling I get when see the Sun's infamous headline the morning after the Belgrano was sent to the bottom of the South Atlantic- probably a good thing but certainly not a wild celebration moment.

Anyhow, does anyone know who is now number one?

I assume this will be the person who has been rather anonymously sitting at number two all this time but other than this simple deduction I have no idea who he is. I am assuming he or she will probably have a beard, be brown-ish and most likely live in a country ending with "istan".

Its not really the worlds most wanted man though is it?

Its the US's (and their friends) most wanted list, I doubt very much Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would subscribe to the same list. He probably has his own list chock full of Israelis, Kim Jong Il 's will have everyone squashed into a top 10. You can imagine the question - does a nation of 240Million count as 1 or do we need to create a top 250Million?

No, to be more specific its the FBI's most wanted list and having just browsed through the mug shots I know know who is number 2 (or number 1 now). Firstly I was very wrong about his colour and ethnicity - its a very white chap called James J Bulger or "Whitey", yes really, to his friends. He is wanted for doing bad things, a lot of bad things, Goodfella style, back in the 1970s.

Looking down his list of crimes, 19 counts of murder, drugs, organised crime, jail, girls and pasta - its all there waiting to hit the big screen soon. James will be shown as a bad man of course, but with a good heart. He only kills when necessary and only other criminals, never civilian people and never, never women or kids. Yes he has his faults, yes he is a bad man but we will root for him right up until the end when the "good" guys get him or not as the case actually is.

Buck of course will be watching intently, BBQ Chicken Licken sauce dripping off his fingers as he secretly wishes he was running around New York in the 1970s.

I am not, of course, comparing this man with Osama Bin Laden. He was a man to be feared and planned the deaths of innocent people indiscriminately. However I am questioning who or what determines when someone is shown as a hero, anti-hero, villain or monster.

Alexander the Great is remembered as one of the greatest leaders of antiquity, revered even, but was responsible for at least, at least, 250,000 non-combatant deaths - basically that's women and kids to you and I.

No matter which way I try to spin this I find it pretty hard to shine a positive light on this but somehow Alexander has managed to do so.

Perhaps in time Osama, Hitler and Stalin will be seen in a similar light but I somehow doubt it.

Churchill hit the nail on the head when he said that "history is written by the victors" and this in the long run will prove to be Osama's undoing - he lost.