A Golden Dawn?

Q: If Celtic amassed 99 points and only lost 1 game in the whole season how many draws did they have?

This was a mental arithmetic question me and my 13 year old son raced to solve. No calculator, no Google allowed.

He beat me and by a very healthy margin at that. As he gleefully danced around I sulked and rapidly changed the subject.

So numbers, they are important things, if they didn’t exist I wouldn’t have a job and most of the things we take for granted probably wouldn’t exist, including the internet I would imagine.

The European elections threw up some strange and some would say worrying results in the last week or so. A number of euro sceptic and populous groups ranging from Greece’s Golden Dawn to the French National front and of course our very own UKIP all took more seats than anticipated.

And of course the press are all over it.

But is it really as troubling as the papers make out? Looking at the numbers I would suggest not. Of the 751 seats up for grabs, the conventional pro-European parties won 467. Another 100 were taken by the greens (who are ultra pro Europe) and the UK’s Conservative party who really don’t know if they are or they aren’t.

This left 140 seats to be divvied up amongst the real anti-Europe parties – or less than 20%.

Given that UKIP consider the French National front racist and will not work with them and both parties consider the Golden Dawn crew as fascists its very unlikely we will be seeing some form of coalition of anti-European parties anytime soon.

So no, the elections won’t make a blind bit of difference, at least not from a legislation perspective and I doubt the EU will be crumbling any time soon.

Personally though, I don’t think the shockwaves, real or otherwise, coming from these elections are a such a bad thing.

It’s given Nigel Farage more airtime on the telly which can only be good and I also think the debate it has started is a healthy one.

Immigration: good or bad?

Well firstly I live in Switzerland, a country whose immigration policies seem to have been modelled on that of North Korea. So I am just not as exposed to the hordes of funny foreigners invading my neighbourhood as some other European countries might be.

That said I do think immigration is a good thing.

The economic outlook for Britain is healthy. I read somewhere that by 2022 the UK will overtake Germany as the economic power house of Europe. With an aging population, a huge public sector and a crumbling NHS how will it reach these dizzy heights?

Immigration that’s how.

The overwhelming majority of immigrants to any country go there for economic reasons, ie. they want to work. And when you work you pay tax and the companies who employ these workers also pay tax (unless you are Starbucks of course). It’s a very simple equation, if the jobs are created in the UK, the UK needs immigration otherwise the jobs will emigrate along with the tax…

So in my book immigration is good.

The headlines might scream about an army of thieving gypsies invading London but at a macro level this is just false. Britain has far from the most immigrants (6.6% of total population). Germany for example has nearly 9%. We are more than some and less than others.

In short we are nothing special and certainly not unique. Nor are we the most attractive country to run to and live off the benefits. No, the immigration into the UK is normal and I would argue not unwelcome. But then again, I don’t live there.

Until recently UKIPs membership has had an odd demographic. It was heavily weighted towards the baby boomers which generally means they are older. This is the demographic in society who reminisce about a Britain long since gone. A simpler Britain. When foreigners were just people who served you drinks on holiday, spoke funny and couldn’t make a proper cup of tea. An old fashioned Britain of train journeys to the seaside and near to full employment.

But lets not forget this was also a Britain where Saville & Co could do what they liked with impunity and a business sector which was forced to its knees by power crazed unions.

But I can see the appeal of Mr Farage.

When compared to the other party leaders he’s a breath of fresh air. He speaks his mind, likes beer and  isn't afraid of offending someone - hes an everyman. As much as I support conservative ideals, I see nothing of myself in David Cameron, he’s just a toff and a bit of a tit. Ed Milliband is the same but with the added hilarity of a Lego-man haircut.

I also don’t believe UKIP are racist as some would like to think. They are clearly not. In fact they have gone to extraordinary lengths to distance themselves from perceived racist comments and statements.

UKIP aren’t racist but what concerns me is their anti-Europe, anti-immigration stance will create and foster xenophobia. Building walls, restricting movement of ethnic groups of people and creating an inward looking insular society breeds such things.

Switzerland is not a xenophobic country per se but a large proportion of the population could be deemed to be so by any normal measurement. The success of the SVP party is testament to this.

The mainstream parties should thus take heed.

Even if the number of seats won’t change anything fundamental there is clearly a groundswell of support across Europe for such parties. They need to sit up and listen because if they don’t we might find someone like Nigel Farage in charge of our country.

Or even worse Marine Le Pen just across the channel.

And then we’re really in the shit.

***

A: 6 

Because I'm worth it

So I read an article the other day about sea otters.

Apparently the cute cuddly furry animals are anything but. Yes, they might look cute and float around holding hands and other fluffy animal type stuff but the reality is they are nasty wee bastards.

I don’t quite know how to say this but, well, they rape baby seals.

Yup, yes they do. As shocking as this might sound, it’s true.

They rape them to death.

And….they do it just for fun.

So to be clear, there is nothing cute or cuddly about sea otters.

Penguins, dolphins, monkeys. Apparently they are all at it.

In fact the only animal not engaging in some nasty sexual or murderous crime is the giant panda. And that’s only because they don’t like sex and are too fat and lazy. If they weren’t they would probably be at it as well.

All animals do it and what’s worse is they don’t even realise it is wrong. They just do it because they want to do it, probably because they have nothing better to do. Once the dam is built and Mrs Otter and the kids are happily fed what else is there to do?

They do look cute though so that’s ok.

If I were to rape a baby seal to death I don’t think cuteness or anything else for that matter would be a robust enough defence to avoid some form of punishment so why is it ok for otters?

It’s a double standard.

A court for animals is what we need.

Murder for food = ok.

Anything else = definitely not ok.

This would be a start.

Yes, let’s start holding animals up to the same standards we try to live up to as humans. I might then start feeling sorry for the polar bears and their shrinking habitat or the good natured law abiding otters caged in the Zoo being kept safely well away from the seal enclosure.

Do animals grow hair differently as they age?

To me the facial hair of an otter or dog or iguana looks the same from birth to death. It grows yes, but a puppy’s facial hair is exactly the same as a fully grown up version. There’s just more of it.

Why am I different then?

My hair growth is accelerating. I shouldn’t complain about this, a lot of men my age have the exact opposite problem but it does seem to be sprouting much faster as I get older and from all sorts of new and unwelcome places.

Over the years I have tried, whenever possible to get my hair cut in various different countries around the world. I did it once out of necessity in China and now try to do it as often as I can. One month is the standard interval for me between haircuts.

So whenever I happen to be outside of Switzerland at the allotted time of the month I will seek out that country’s version of a stripy pole and engage in some cultural learning. I have had my hair cut in China, Australia, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, US, UK, Oman, Turkey to name but a few.

The best was China, the worst Italy. UK is pretty bog standard, Switzerland horribly overpriced for what is essentially five minutes work. In Turkey they burned my ears. Oman had me very scared as a twitchy and energetic young man wielded a cut throat razor very near my neck and Australia was done by a Scotsman.

All in it’s a good way to engage with the local culture and given my hair cut of choice is ‘just short’ it’s pretty hard for them to get it wrong. I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to body hair. Short on top, leave the rest alone.

But I sense I am starting to fall out of step with fashion in this regard.

The last time I visited a communal shower room it didn’t escape me that I was one of the few men in there maintaining the au naturale look. I didn’t want to stare but couldn’t help myself.

After a couple of minutes of soaping I found myself turning away to hide my ‘abnormal’ undergrowth and started wondering when male grooming like this became normal.

I get that Olympic swimmers, cyclists or Luge’rs shave everything. There is probably a good aerodynamic reason for that. It’s the shift towards the aesthetic ‘down there’ in normal men which confuses me.

In my, clearly now outdated, book of what makes a real man, hairy and rugged is good. Women are different, they are allowed to preen and prune themselves till they are all shiny and polished. They are allowed to put on makeup and act feminine. Men, no way. Unless, that is, you are auditioning for a part in the Crying Game then all bets are off.

I am led to believe one of the options, now available to men, is known in the industry as a ‘back, sack and crack’. I don’t think I need to explain what this entails.

Just imagining it makes my eyes start to water.

I am ok with razor burn products or deodorants which would make you smell like a male pine forest. Hair gel and even the odd hair growth elixir.

Complex moisturisers derived from cow serum, cover up creams, Botox and hair colourings go beyond what I consider acceptable or normal for men. Funnily enough these creams seem to be promising to delay (because it’s always delay, never get rid) the exact same lines and creases I coveted so much as a wee boy as I watched Robert Mitchum or Lee Marvin on the telly. Now it seems these lines are no longer attractive.

Now we should all look 25 years old. Lines and creases on your face have become as desirable as haemorrhoids. Grey hair? Forget it.

In fact the more a man can look like a woman and a young woman at that the more attractive he will be for it.

I think this is wrong.

Ladies, you are welcome to plaster whatever cream, oil or makeup onto your face. I am ok with you ripping, shaving or waxing whatever undesirable hair you like from wherever you like on your body. In fact I would positively encourage it but given I am not a lady I will stick to my short on top, leave the rest alone approach to grooming.

This might make me old fashioned. It might even place far out of touch with a metrosexual society which seems to be taking over.

I am ok with this though. I am also ok that I stopped looking 25 the day I turned 26.

One day I might even have a face like Lee Marvin’s. I can but hope.

But back to otters.

My recommendation would be to slowly wax the face of each bastard rapist/murderering otter as punishment for their evil crimes.

That’s going to hurt like hell and let’s face it if a baby seal sees a baldy-faced otter approaching, they will quickly learn to not hang around.

I wouldn’t. 

Regardless how young it looked.

Fear of Flying

So I have been on a lot of airplanes recently. Some small, some big.

On a recent flight from Athens to Zurich the female pilot started speaking as we trundled along the bumpy runway readying ourselves for take-off. She calmly welcomed us on-board, gave us the potted highlights of the routing. Not that this matters one jot, it’s not like it’s an open top bus tour. In my experience, the sky looks pretty similar wherever you are. She then finished off with the important things; the weather and the flying conditions.

‘First hour of the flight will be smooth and the second hour will be bumpy as fuck. Cabin crew best you get the drinks served early….’ she said

Ok, I haven’t quoted her verbatim here - but this is what I heard. 

And of course as usual I found myself tensing up. I found myself shifting slightly in my seat and trying to look nonchalant as I glanced around the cabin to see if anyone else had heard what she just said. 

Apparently not, conversations carried on, sleep continued and the cabin crew showed how to add extra air into the lifejacket through the rubber mouthpiece.

Best way to rid yourself of an anxiety? Face up to it and do it over and over again. Not with flying it would seem.

I fly on average once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less but this would be a reasonable guess at an average. That’s a lot of planes in a year. So if I do a rough calculation over the last five years and include the trips I know I do monthly and add some guestimate for the rest I would estimate I have flown over 500 times in the last five years. Which I think is a lot. I know people who fly more, and lots who fly less.

So 500 times and not one crash. 

A couple of dodgy landings, a lot of delays and one aborted take-off but apart from these I have managed a 100% safety record. Which is pretty reassuring.

So why is it when the pilot mentions some ‘chop’, if he hints at some ‘bumpiness’ ahead or the seatbelt sign pings on at cruising altitude for no apparent reason do I still tense up and find my palms starting to get slippery? It defies all rational logic.

True to her word, and with an uncanny Swiss preciseness as soon as we reached the hour point in our flight the plane lurched and dropped like a stone. I had a wing seat and watched with mild terror as the wing flapped up and down like a duck attempting take off from a lake. 

The heavy lump of metal bumped, banged and made some unhealthy metal on metal grinding sounds as we flew through a snowstorm which was dumping meters of the white stuff over the Austrian alps.

I gripped on and tried to continue the conversation I had been having with the German passenger sat next to me. Wasn’t easy.

But he just carried on as if nothing was happening. ‘Ya Bayern are unstoppable’. He was ignoring the fact that we were all going to die. 

‘England football has worsened over the last few years’. He didn’t seem to notice the absolute certainty that the plane was seconds away from breaking into bits ten miles up. 

‘What do you think of Basel?’

I tried to joke about the current predicament we were both in. He just nodded ignoring me and continued. 

‘Bastian Schweinsteiger, probably one of the best midfielder I have ever seen.’

The conversation ended right at the point we emerged with one final heavy bump but safely through the dark grey clouds and a white alpine mountainous vista broke into view. 

Ten minutes to landing, plenty of time for my clothes to dry out.

It is irrational, totally irrational. I know, or rather knew, at the time the plane wasn’t going to break up. I have watched every documentary on the subject, read every statistic available but still it’s a rare occasion that I feel totally relaxed at cruising altitude.

I dislike mosquitoes, not scared of them just dislike them a lot. So consequently I quite like spiders – the enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that. I do however know lots of people who are terrified of them. A few years back in Australia I stopped for some reason on a forest track to look around, as I did so I noticed a spider in front of my face. One as big as my face. It was close enough to kiss. Had I not stopped it would have wrapped itself around my face like the alien out of that movie. It didn’t scare me, I just walked around its sail sized web and carried on. 

Other people would have wet themselves and run out of the forest screaming.

The human brain isn’t rational. In fact I would go as far as to say it’s very very irrational. Love, greed, fear, happiness, ambition, horoscopes and magic – planet earth is definitely not Vulcan.

Neither is the Crimea and based on the strong worded rhetoric coming from the West it also seems we are making irrational threats without really thinking through the consequences. Or if we are we must be thinking they are empty threats, the type which are made knowing they wont do it. Will they?

The cold war which lasted from WW2 up until 1989 was without any shadow of a doubt the most dangerous period in human history. On more than one occasion we managed to reach a Mexican standoff with the future of world at stake and a sweaty finger hovering over a big red button.

Who blinks first?

Yes, Russia invading Crimea is a bad thing. No doubt about this. Yes, Russia probably has imperial expansionist thoughts and is probably using this as an excuse to further this cause. Yes, the hurriedly put together referendum was probably illegal. 

I fully understand the concern and the outrage in Kiev, London and Washington however are we really in a position to piss off Russia and risk the start of a second cold war.

Nuclear disarmament has been going on for a while however let’s not kid ourselves, there are still enough missiles pointing West and East to mutually assure destruction within the blink of an eye.

Trade is another thing. The oil supplies from Russia through the Ukraine are not as important as they might have been five years ago but they are still very important. Trade going the other way satisfying the burgeoning consumer demand in Russia is not insignificant either. Russia is as important to the west as the west is important to Russia.

Its just too much to risk to start imposing sanctions or worse.

On the face of it there seems to be a big divide in the Ukraine, those for and those against Russia. Given what I have read over the last month or so it appears the Crimean region is very sympathetic towards Moscow and the rest less so. The dodgy referendum seems to support this and Moscow has acted accordingly to ‘protect the Russian speaking citizens there’.

So given everything which is at risk here, isn’t there another approach which we could or should be following?

Couldn’t we determine what exactly the citizens of the Crimean peninsula actually really want and take their lead. Self determination and all that. If they want to be conjoined with Russia then thats their choice. 

If Kiev doesn’t like it then how different will this be if Scotland votes yes this September? I guarantee Westminster wont like that either but there is very little they will be able to do about it.

I understand the way we have been strong armed into reaching this point is not the right way to go about things but with the stakes so high surely we can accept it and move on.

Russia is a bully this is obvious. Putin is a bully as well but this is not 1938, we are not facing an army of national socialists and Crimea is definitely not Poland.

My suggestion would be to shut the career politicians up, watching William Hague talk tough against Russia just makes me wince. Ratchet down the rhetoric and get into some serious discussions with them.

If the Crimean people want to be a Russian state then who are we to say otherwise? This is far from capitulating in the face of aggression, its common sense especially given the current situation.

Have another referendum. A proper, internationally monitored one and go with the result. Wouldn’t that allow everyone to back down and keep face?

Anyway just a suggestion - who am I to have an opinion on such matters? Might not be sensible, might not be acceptable.

And given how my brain works ten miles up is most likely not even rational but in my simplistic view it seems far more palatable than what could be the alternative.

A Snowdonian

I am sitting outside on my patio (well I was when I started). 

The sun is shining. The birds are singing.

I have BBC Radio 6 playing in the background courtesy of my iPod which is connected to my WIFI hub and its streaming live over the internet. I have just checked myself in for an ungodly early flight tomorrow morning. The electronic boarding pass is now sitting somewhere safe in binary form on my blackberry.

I am downloading some television on my home computer which I might watch later, I have also printed off some colouring in sheets for my son to keep him happy and quiet.

Finally, later I will download my favourite podcast to listen to during the flight when the telly has stopped hogging all the bandwidth.

As my home computer and iPod whir away unseen but permanently connected through some magic air I write this on my work laptop. It’s disconnected, passive and cold. The little blinky lights at the back are dark. 

I detest popups, email notifications or any other distraction.

The internet has now become the center of my universe. It’s connected to half the appliances in my house. In a very very short space of time it has become a staple of life. Like bread, milk and MOTD I wouldn’t really know what to do without it.

First thing I do when the bing sounds after landing at an airport is turn on my phone and check stuff. Any stuff. Work emails, private emails, facebook, the news. I check everything where something might have happened.

What’s happened in the last hour since I have been disconnected? 

Generally not a lot is the answer.

I flew to Dubai recently and they proudly announced that after they reach cruising altitude the inflight Wi-Fi service will begin. This filled me with an excited glee. Emailing, surfing, skyping, facebooking ten miles up!

So you can imagine how I felt when they quietly announced 20mins after take-off it was in fact not working and thus not available on that flight. I felt something akin to road rage as I sulkily reverted back to the 600+ available on demand entertainment channels I had at my disposal.

It’s a huge part of my life. And I know I am Mr Average in this regard. I am not an early adopter. I’m no technophile. I wait. I read reviews. I scoff that I don’t need that new thing which looks like a book with a screen. It’ll never take off I say knowledgably. Why on earth would people buy it?

I then quietly buy one for myself a year or two later when the jealousy kicks in and the realisation that I was of course wrong.

As an example of this I still own a 300 year old blackberry.

Its clunky, has intermittent reception. It’s a bit scuffed, scratched and the letter ‘a’ on the keyboard sometimes annoyingly sticks. But it does work. Sort of.

I will eventually switch to an IPhone or the like at some point but only after I am convinced they work properly and I don’t run the risk of hanging up the phone with my nose every time I make a call. 

Even this blog is 100% dependent on the internet.

Where else would I be given a forum to talk such random shite? Sure as hell no magazine or newspaper would give me the time of day and even if they did I wouldn’t be able to say ‘shite’.  

And I quite like saying shite.

No, with the internet I can write what I like, when I like and if someone reads it great. If not well so what?

This is good and bad.

You see I am not writing this anonymously. My name and face is there for all to see. But I could just as easily made this an anonymous blog and when you realise you are anonymous things start to change. Once the shackles come off the nasty side of  human behaviour starts to come out.

If you are bored, go to one of those torrent sites and read through the comments people post about the torrent. I’m not suggesting you download anything, that would be illegal, I am suggesting you read the comments which accompany it. I guarantee you will read things there which will make you wince and your eyes water.

It’s a bit like the law abiding citizen turning to crime when he/she knows they wont get caught. Why for example were there so many average people engaging in looting during the riots in London a couple of years ago? It was because they believed they wouldn’t get caught and hell everyone else was doing it.

If I asked you if you could commit a crime which would give you an economic benefit (bag of swag, widescreen TV, sports car) and told you you would not get caught and no one would be hurt. Would you do it? 

A lot of people would.

Mob mentality is the same. What you might consider well beyond acceptable suddenly becomes normal. Its ok when you are surrounded by 1000 people doing exactly the same.

I would challenge you to go visit one of those weird Baptist/Preacher sermon-shows. The ones you sometimes see on the telly where they take people up on stage, press a hand against their forehead and announce ‘That Jesus is now in your life’ or something along those lines. The normal order of things is at that point the person collapses and then stands up 'reborn' whilst the crowd whip themselves up into a frenzy.

I challenge you to go.

I challenge you to go up on stage after 100 folks have just collapsed in the preachers arms. And then just stand there. Each time he touches your forehead just stand still shaking your head. Maybe even say things like ‘Nope, didn’t work’ or ‘ uh-uh,  nothing. Try again?’

You wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. 

I would collapse, get reborn (i.e. stand up) then quietly sneak out feeling slightly ashamed of myself.

Edward Snowdon is my hero. 

Cos he actually did say no. Well he ran away then started releasing stuff but please bear with me as there is only so much of a link I can concoct.

Whilst everyone else just accepted that there was some snooping going on he had the gonads to go and expose it all. He also had the proof. He exposed it and is continuing to expose it. Drip feeding it to the worlds press. A slow and painful process which ensures it remains on the front page and keeps everyone involved on their toes.

I for one have nothing but admiration for the chap and what he has done.

I accept there are lots of people who would happily lynch him but in general terms most people I know agree with me. That said I was very surprised when George W got a second term so what do I know? Clearly there are huge amount of people out there, whom I don't know and who disagree with me. And they vote.

What he has revealed is shocking. I imagined stuff like in Jack Bauer’s 24 happened but the extent to which powers have been abused, twisted and extended is shocking. There also appears to have been little or no oversight to ensure what they were doing was actually was really in the interests of security.

What on earth was the national security threat which lead to Chancellor Merkel’s private cell phone being monitored? Or the prime minister of Brazil’s. Who on earth actually thought what they were doing was acceptable or that a dragnet approach to monitoring cell phone and internet traffic was the best way to ensure the borders were protected.

It’s mostly the US however Britain doesn’t come out of it smelling of roses. The information and technology sharing deals means the UK is complicit even if we didn’t actually do the snooping. We helped facilitated it so defacto we have to bear some of the blame.

All that said, I don’t believe for a second the UK prime minister or the US president actually knew it was happening. I don’t. I believe they signed an umbrella approval and then the rest was just interpretation of the ‘rules’ further down the food chain.

Paranoia and fear is what has allowed this to happen.

Replay the horror movie of 9/11 often enough and is it any wonder anyone who looks a bit Middle Eastern is a potential threat. When I don’t shave for a while - I look Middle Eastern!

No for me Edward Snowdon should be lauded for what he has done. 

He has single handedly managed to bring the discussion about what we are willing to accept in the name of security into the cold harsh light of day. The cloak and dagger shadowy stuff does need to continue of course. Not everything should be available for everyone to see but the boundaries do need to be set very clearly and openly before we let the James Bonds of this world go off and do their stuff again.

If you are not guilty, why are you worried?

I would counter this with I’m not guilty but it still doesn’t mean I would allow my private phone calls and late night internet searching to be monitored. There are lots of things I would rather keep private, this doesn’t make me a criminal, terrorist or threat to any country’s national security. It makes me a human being, same as everyone else.

Imagine for a moment if it transpired that the roles had been reversed and the German intelligence service had been caught monitoring the private conversations of the United States President? Or that the French government had been monitoring all cell phone traffic and strong-arming ISP’s to give up details/backdoors into their software so these could be monitored as well. Globally.

Ahh but the US/UK are not the bad guys here.

I think you would find there are many many countries around the world who would have justifiable reason to disagree with this statement.

Anyway – I think you get the gist of what I am saying. It’s bad. 

What’s more important now is what does anyone do about it? If the answer is nothing then what’s the point? It would be all for nothing and this cannot be allowed to happen.

If it does the Pope’s internet cache will continue to be monitored and Edward Snowdon will most likely live out the rest of his days freezing his, larger than most guys, gonads off in Moscow.

I will continue as is, linking every appliance in my house up to the internet.

I will also continue avoiding the latest new-fangled tech thing until I realise how good it actually is and hope that after growing a beard I don’t find myself having a three day cavity search.

And all because I wrote a blog containing the word ‘Shite’.