Pheromones

There are lots of things I don’t know or understand.

Conventional wisdom says that the older you are, the wiser you are. And I have come to the conclusion this is  false. 

It’s a white lie to temper the pain of getting older and realising you are no longer able to go out on the ran-dan for two nights consecutively.

What seems to be happening is the older I get the more stuff I look into and the more I look into the more I don’t understand. If I was less inquisitive I might be able to master the topics I have already struggled with but just when I seem to get to grips with something like, say, quantum physics. Another comes along, like Pheromones.

Now before you jump up and say you understand Pheromones, please read the following:

It is believed that mammals detect pheromones through an organ in the nose called the VNO (Vomeronasal Organ), and connects to the hypothalamus in the brain. The VNO in humans consists of just pits that probably do not do anything. If humans do respond to hormones, most likely they use their normal olfactory system.

Do you really understand Pheromones?

If you do please explain to me what a hypothalamus is or what the olfactory system is? Or for that matter what are the pits they refer to; arm, lava, money? And finally please note the use of the word ‘if’ in the paragraph above. If is a seldom used word in science. If you see ‘if’ written in a scientific paper, it generally means they don’t know either.

I don’t understand Pheromones and I would challenge anyone to say they do. Unless you are a Pheromone scientist that is, if such a thing exists, then I might believe you.

I might ask you why though.

Christmas and the madness which goes on at this time of year is another older and un-wiser subject of mine. I think I have blogged till I am blue in the face on this subject so I wont. 

Christmas is safe this time round.

Naturally though at this time of the year thoughts also turn to what we might or might not have achieved in the previous year and what we are resolving to definitely, definitely, do or stop doing during the next year. Definitely.

Let me just get past Christmas and then I will definitely eat less, definitely stop smoking, read more, study to become a doctor, stop having illicit thoughts about Amanda from purchasing or whatever dirty shameful thing it is you want to change.

All good stuff if it ever happens.

I myself prefer to depend on more tried and tested methods of determining what I am going to be doing tomorrow, the day after and so on.

I read my horoscope.

Now (I’m holding my hand up) before you say anything just hear me out.

Were the Greeks stupid?

I’m not talking about the current tax avoiding, ask Germany to bail them out and then complain when they do, dinner plate and economy breaking, version.

Not them, no.

I’m talking about the Greeks from ancient times. The ones who gave us Hippocrates, Leonidas, Archimedes, Plato, Aristotle, Socrates and, I might add, Astronomy.

They also gave us Astrology.

Astrology was a collateral byproduct from figuring out how the planets moved in relation to each other and what happens when you sit in the bath so yes, the ancient Greeks also gave us our daily horoscopes.

So if you believe that the volume of water displaced must be equal to the volume of the object submerged why not that you might meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger tomorrow?

My horoscope from Astrology.com for today tells me this:

What a relief! Your energy is returning, especially regarding affairs of the heart. Today you'll be freed from the bonds of doubt about your judgment. With you, self-doubt is an especially touchy subject. You're miserable when your confidence is gone. The energy flow has been re-established, although it may take you a few days to fully recover from the ordeal of recent weeks

And from CafeAstrology.com it tells me:

Prepare for the possibility of adjusting your plans today, dear Cancer, as wires can get crossed and plans can turn around, although it's likely only a temporary situation. Energy levels are not at their best right now. In fact, it can be difficult knowing what your next step will be, so aim to go with the flow, or take extra time to yourself if the flow is not very comfortable. Haste makes waste today, particularly with family and home matters, as well as in love.

I interpret this as my energy is returning. Or its not. I need to go with the flow because next steps are not clear. I also need to be careful rushing into something.

And here in lies the problem with horoscopes.

I don’t really check my horoscope just in case you were wondering. Aside from, that is, the weeks of intense and heavy research I have conducted for this blog.

No. I do what everyone else does and resolve to do something on the 31^st

I also, like everyone else, break it two days later as the painful, sober, withdrawal infested cold light of the new year cuts through the party fog.

The problem with Horoscopes is they are just rubbish. Vague, contradictory and rubbish.

Oh and of course they are utterly made up.

They have as much probability of being correct as have fortune cookies, those stupid love heart sweets, a smelly gypsy with a snow globe in front of her or me for that matter.

I therefore give you my Horoscope for whatever day you end up reading this;

Sagittarius

Venus is in equinox soon and the aura from this celestial event will be affecting your mood. If not, its because you have managed to circumvent the negative ying waves. Don’t throw money away today as it will seriously affect your finances.

Leo

A disturbing warp has occurred in the moon-galaxy of your zodiac. Don’t worry, your energy levels will return with the ebb and flow of Taurus. Do not sleep with him/her tonight! You/she will get pregnant! And the baby will be really ugly - have a glass of milk and an early night.

Taurus

Alcohol and cake have taken their toll. Do not worry though, the plutonium rays from a recent Klingon retrograde will sort out your balance and you will be back to your normal happy self before you know it. If you are depressed, fat and an alcoholic – don’t drink or eat any more cake mind. Klingons cant help you. Try dieting, therapy and the AA.

Cancer

This is my star sign so tomorrow will be great. You will wake up in perfect harmony with the normally destructive Babylon waves and your body will feel perfectly equipped to deal with whatever the day has in store. You will also look great and be a great lover.

Libra

Don’t bother. Its gonna be bad whatever you do.

Gemini

If you share the house with a Libra, get the hell out. If you are with a Cancer, get back into bed with him/her, they are on fire. If you have neither go out and find a Cancer but be careful of mistaking a Leo for a Cancer. There will be consequences from such a mistake.

Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces

Whatever, a bit like Sagittarius

Aries

With a full moon equinox happening within the next twelve months anything could happen. Be a nice person, don’t pee in the shower or wear pink shirts if you are a guy.

And so on.

Its easy to do horoscopes. I could do twelve a day no problem. I might even put more effort into it if pushed.

What I don’t understand is why so many people actually read this stuff. As a bit of light-hearted fun yes but whole industries have grown up around this. Facebook and the rest of the internet is chock full of it. Newspapers are filled with this pseudo rubbish.

Astrology is fake, Pheromones are fake, quantum physics, as I have discovered, are also probably made up. 

Or maybe its just me.

Maybe as I get older and supposedly wiser I am just content to understand what I understand and everything else I will just drop into a box labelled ‘made up nonsense’. I’ve recently dropped Minecraft into that box along with Pheromones and now horoscopes.

It’s a big and growing box and this is what scares me. I’m terrified when the day arrives that I drop ‘Music or the youth of today’ into that box.

I therefore resolve in 2014 to start taking an interest in my thirteen year old son’s musical preferences. I will strive to become hip (again) next year. I will learn how to build badly pixelated stuff in a fake world with a rubbish looking axe. I will also sign up to a daily Facebook horoscope feed.

In short I will do anything to rid myself of the sudden liking I have for collecting fridge magnets, general aging and the realisation that my 43 years of collected wisdom is fairly useless.

I might even buy a motorbike.