Cannon Balls

What do you get if you cross a volcano next to Naples and the female genitalia? A Vuvuzela.

Yes the World Cup has kicked off and given the aforementioned plastic horn is its biggest talking point thus far, it is certainly not with the bang the organizers would have hoped for.

I will apologise for the opening attempt at a joke here however I do feel, given my previous entries, that there definitely should be a world naming committee to police these things before things get out of hand. Preferably with me as its chairman.

Perhaps then we would have some more logical, sensible or pronounceable names.

A Volconoligist would become a Volcan, Hàüfjdoqirqwnvcöcnziupaä$ä would become Iceland Volcano and a Vuvuzela : Aaaarghpleasestop!

So far on day 5 with 11 games played we are enjoying the lowest goal per game average of any world cup since 1624. Back then the ball used was a cannon ball and players had wooden boots so I can understand a medieval player`s reluctance to have a go from 40yds.

Today with the exception of North Korea, who still play with wooden boots, the modern player has the most technological kit available and a ball which is simply a composite of cotton wool and helium.

The Jabulani is the official match ball for the World Cup and as normal everyone is complaining about it. It swerves too much, its too round, I cant pronounce its name, it will be very difficult for goal keepers to save, I cant kick it etc etc. Apparently the only world cup where the ball was just right was way back in 1966.

Every world cup the pattern is the same - the ball is unplayable, England will win, I learn some new words and a clever brewery from the Netherlands get some free publicity for persuading people to wear their sponsored clothing for free.

The official world cup beer is Budweiser and they seem to take umbridge at such attempts to hijack their monopoly on the Soccer. Unfortunately Budweiser, soccer, or as 99.999% of the watching public call it, football, is a game of people who can and will wear whatever the hell they like.

I am wondering what Nike will say when 30,000 fans turn up wearing Adidas or god forbid Pepsi is consumed anywhere in South Africa in the next 4 weeks. I just saw that Tesco`s are the official supermarket of the England football team - surely tie-ins don't come more tenuous than this.

Anyhow, here's hoping the goal average rises, North Korea qualify for the next round to draw the USA, someone points out the Vuvuzela is not BPA free and En-ga-land win.

Yes that's right, win. This is the only way the rest of the world will stop having to put up with stories, documentaries, replica tops and songs about something which happened 4 years before I was born.

Wayne Rooney getting knighted would also make me snigger a bit.