Help me I`m helpless

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition in Monte Carlo during the 20s….he finished third.

This was quoted to me in the context of being yourself. Crap huh?
Good story but as an analogy doesn't really work except for showing how stupid the French can be and like we really needed help figuring that one out.

Self help books are shit. Self indulgent, anti-climatic and a waste of time. I am old enough to have no shame in admitting I have, on occasion, dabbled in the solitary pursuit of happiness through an airport paperback over the years.

Double your income in a month!!!!
Who wouldn't be tempted, its only £7.99 and its an Airport Exclusive?

I know it's a slight diversion but I don't understand the term “Airport Exclusive”. Does that actually mean its only sold at airports? Why on earth would a publisher want to do that? The only logical reason is that the book is crap. So crap only a knackered, half drunk, business person staggering around an antiseptic, wipe clean environment bored out of their skulls would be even slightly attracted to its title.

Double your income in a month!!!
Yes please and before you know it you are £7.99 poorer. Slightly poorer yes, but very soon, a month to be precise, you will be much richer. You have the secret in your hand, the secret only airport people know about. It doesn't work for bus people, apparently.

The book is secreted away, hidden next to your porn mags and hemorrhoid cream as your late night flight is called. Somewhere between drinks being served and the 10min call is ping`d you quietly pull the book from your bag, carefully, so as not to attract your fellow passengers attention. It has a cheap printed feel, not quite the quality it appeared to have on the shelf but that doesn't matter given the inherent value contained within.

And here is the rub - what it contains. Precisely nothing, without even knowing if such a book exists I am sure it would contain nuggets along the lines of:

-Don't focus on money ­- focus on self happiness.
-There is power in positive thinking
-Get a job which pays twice your current salary in the next 30 days.

Great.

I guess the Secrets of finding the perfect man offers something along the lines of – look up Brad Pitt and make him fall in love with you. Perfect thank you.

I have a great idea which will make me trillions overnight. Start selling cars which fly, all I need to do is work out how to make a car fly and I am there, simple.

They are selling a lie, pure and simple - the Emperor has no clothes.

Its funny though, the act of purchasing the book is therapeutic in itself. I am going to take charge of my roadcrash life and turn it around thanks to this purchase – reading it and adopting the intrusive steps is never going to happen - it's the intent behind the purchase. Same as buying a gym membership.

I am going to make a million overnight. No need for a book to help me with this, no need for clever metaphors, analogies or tenuously linked anecdotes.

I am going to start printing laminated cards (Posi-cards ©) with good positive statements of intent on them and sell them at airports, bus stations, divorce courts, outside fancy gyms or at weight watcher meetings.

Every time you start feeling down, just quietly take your card out, read it, agree with it and you will instantly feel better.

You will still be fat, poor, ugly, have a small penis, shit car or be a crap lover but you now plan to do something about it.

All this happiness and only for the exclusive, bargain price of £4.99.